if only . . .

wow. here we are.

i am restless of late. i find myself wandering around. crying. not a cry of hurt or anguish. not even a cry of sadness or melancholy. just a cry of, well, noise. just using my voice. making my self present. i'm here!

sometimes i'll stand at the front door and cry. knowing that there are things unknown - places i've not been. in truth, i probably wouldn't really want to be in most of those places, but knowing that they are out there and i am not makes me shout nonetheless. there have been a few instances when i've run out there -- had a good look around -- then satisfied and just a little overcome with adrenaline, high-tailed it, if you will, back inside. not to hide, mind you. for, really, i am happy where i am, being here. and it is good to be reminded of that once in a while.

when i'm restless, i imagine life to be better outside the door - somewhere else. just getting a whiff of something different -- oh, it can make me spin into emotional acrobatics of what could be if only . . . if only. if only what? when you really think about it, the "if only" isn't about the place, the people, the possessions. it's about how you imagine yourself feeling. how the place, people or possessions make you feel - about yourself.

it all comes back to you.

and you're still here. but that's not a bad thing. in fact, it's the best thing! ever! because that's what it is all about. you. and how you feel about yourself.

so go ahead -- embrace the gift of restlessness. imagine what it's like outside the door. imagine "if only" and how you'd feel "if only". now, it just comes down to the feeling. creating that feeling here and now. imagine it! use your voice! "i'm here!" "here i am!"

if only i could get outside, i would feel happy. i would feel adventuresome. i would feel strong and alive. meow!

so, i howl questioningly: what makes me feel happy, adventuresome, strong and alive on THIS side of the door - where i am?

and guess what!? playing in the bathtub makes me happy. venturing up into the closet makes me feel adventuresome. running as fast as i can from room to room to room makes me feel strong and alive.

ask yourself the questions - how would that "if only" make you feel. what, where you are, can make you feel that way. meow! make it happen. bring those feelings into where you are right now.

here you are!

meow,

zulu